I want to subjugate You
my friends. I just wanted to write and say that I wanted to enslave
you and live off your labors for the remainder of my life as an evil,
Yes, yes, I know. We've all heard of that arrangement
before. But I want to tell you what makes me a better totalitarian dictator
than the leading competitor.
Honesty is the best policy, Ma Haojin always said. I haven't forgotten.
So, I'm not going to make stupid speeches and promises about pain, suffering,
tyranny, oppression, or rampant personal joy at the expense of the state.
I will, however, tell you that I plan to help you experience all those
things except one.
I've got a sense of humor. Granted, some (*coughs* most) of you don't
like it, but the nice thing about being dictator is that I am not required
or expected to care. No, I can continue to bemuse the people by sending
their kids to "summer" camps.
- No discrimination
I don't hold any bias based on religion, race, creed, gender, or sexual
preference -- I promise to terrorize you all equally. Other totalitarian
regimes tend to discriminate against people for being 'gay.' Not a problem
- Short, easy-to-remember name
When I am eventually dead, my name is suitably short to enter the common
lexicon as a synonym for evil. Imagine the worship your grandchildren
will have for you, knowing you lived under the reign of a dictator!
- Stable personality
Ask anyone! I have no known bipolar disorders causing me to be inconsistent
in my wrath and malevolence. I promise to keep my philanthropy/misanthropy
ratio at a fairly constant 0:1.
- Known quantity
I tend to not make threats unless I'm rather sure they'll be fulfilled.
That said, you know exactly what you're getting when I make absurd decrees
about the price of insolence. No more second-guessing or reading in
between the lines!
I can be kind 'f cuddly. Surely you see the advantage to having a cuddly
dictator. Sure, we've all seen the results of cold, ruthless dictators
-- But have you ever tried a warm, fuzzy dictator? You might be surprised!