The Hao of Wu ;-)...sorry, I couldn't resist

I want to subjugate You

Hello, my friends. I just wanted to write and say that I wanted to enslave you and live off your labors for the remainder of my life as an evil, malevolent dictator.

Yes, yes, I know. We've all heard of that arrangement before. But I want to tell you what makes me a better totalitarian dictator than the leading competitor.

- Honesty
Honesty is the best policy, Ma Haojin always said. I haven't forgotten. So, I'm not going to make stupid speeches and promises about pain, suffering, tyranny, oppression, or rampant personal joy at the expense of the state. I will, however, tell you that I plan to help you experience all those things except one.

- Humor
I've got a sense of humor. Granted, some (*coughs* most) of you don't like it, but the nice thing about being dictator is that I am not required or expected to care. No, I can continue to bemuse the people by sending their kids to "summer" camps.

- No discrimination
I don't hold any bias based on religion, race, creed, gender, or sexual preference -- I promise to terrorize you all equally. Other totalitarian regimes tend to discriminate against people for being 'gay.' Not a problem here!

- Short, easy-to-remember name
When I am eventually dead, my name is suitably short to enter the common lexicon as a synonym for evil. Imagine the worship your grandchildren will have for you, knowing you lived under the reign of a dictator!

- Stable personality
Ask anyone! I have no known bipolar disorders causing me to be inconsistent in my wrath and malevolence. I promise to keep my philanthropy/misanthropy ratio at a fairly constant 0:1.

- Known quantity
I tend to not make threats unless I'm rather sure they'll be fulfilled. That said, you know exactly what you're getting when I make absurd decrees about the price of insolence. No more second-guessing or reading in between the lines!

- Fuzzy
I can be kind 'f cuddly. Surely you see the advantage to having a cuddly dictator. Sure, we've all seen the results of cold, ruthless dictators -- But have you ever tried a warm, fuzzy dictator? You might be surprised!


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