Ever stopped to think just what Nexon would be forced to do with our beloved Dark Ages if they should ever ascend to mega-corporate status, and DA became the most looked-after medium of entertainment, thereby thriving for another thousand years? Ever wondered just what Temuair would look like after it was already Deoch 9,000? Would our beloved company succumb to the pull of advertising and pop culture? Would they be pressured by the need to introduce fresh and new ideas? The way you would probably answer these questions is, What the hell are you talking about? Well! While that may be well and good, here is how yours truly sees the Temuair of Deoch 9,000, assuming Dark Ages lasts into the next millennium. After all, Aisling society will have to advance somehow.

First off, the world of Temuair will be renamed to one of those futuristic-sounding tech-words with a capital letter in the middle of it, possibly TemuAir, but not likely, unless that happens to be an airline or something. Our five classes will be changed to the following: cyborg, death-ninja, techno-shaman-zombie, religious zealot, and death-samurai, echoing faintly the tried-and-true originals of warrior, rogue, wizard, priest, and monk, but now pandering wholly to a cyberpunk mindset. The Temple of Choosing will be morphed to a sort of bod-mod emporium, where new players will enter and select one of these classes through macabre cybernetic enhancement and/or drug use.

All of our current town names will have "Neo-" attached to them, and will resemble apocalyptic, high-technology cityscapes. There will be an extra hidden town, called Coca-Cola, accessible only by those who have reached insight 599 or purchased stock in Nexon, Inc. Kadath will now be open for exploration. It will look somewhat like a large shopping mall, with incinerated crucified bodies everywhere, and will have an arcade that features mini-games. There will be a quest related to these mini-games that will reward the seasoned 599th-insight player with armor that literally covers the entire screen.

Instead of forming motleys or guilds, players will be able to form gangs. Instead of "shares," players will own "turf." Otherwise, the political system will be wholly erased, except for the guards, who will carry nightsticks and serve an evil corporate CEO named Chadul, a portly old man with heavy eyebrows and a cigarette-smoke-wrinkled visage. This Chadul, according to the Seanchas Temuair, Volume CXVII, will be the awakened god of Darkness himself.

Furthermore, Dark Ages will feature a fully death-metal soundtrack. The money system of gold coins would have been replaced with coins made from a sort of dull, gray-colored impersonal and generic alloy. There will also be credit cards. NPCs will only take American Express, mind you. "Aislings," it will turn out after many Deochs, are actually beings made by eugenics and the use of nanotechnology. Gasp! The deception! And we thought we were human!

All the churches to the various gods will turn into morbid, spiritual cults who worship controlled substances and believe in ancient stories of "kobolds" and "dubhaim." They will be led by the Priest Zealots. Glioca will hold weekly "love-ins," and the Sgrios fellowship will fall apart and start believing that the world's savior is a brand of cereal which, according to sacred doctrine, "contains all the vitamins and minerals necessary for healthful living, amen." Two new churches will take root: that of the atheists, who will worship a female earth deity named Bob, whom they will believe to be divine due to the fact that she doesn't exist; and another fellowship that will worship lazy Internet shorthand.

Also-and I'm not making any promises-there'll be interplanetary travel in there somewhere. Mr. Dave, sir, you had better hold on to your post! Look what your heirs will do to your dream of a Celtic world based on H.P. Lovecraft! Aaah!
OK, I'm finished, see ya later.

>>Swanberg's Demon.
Printing out and eating this column provides 100% of your recommended daily allowance of soluble B.S., based on a 2,000-calorie diet.