"Romantic Atmosphere Disrupted By Scratching Of Buttocks"-

RUCESION--
The romantic atmosphere created during an outing between a young local couple was interrupted yesterday by the scratching of buttocks.

The couple, which dined briefly at Rucesion's celebrated alehouse, the Carbonated Horseshoe, before retiring to an evening constitutional in the park, were on their first date together, which had been going successfully until the intervention of an act of buttock-scratching that undermined the tentative chemistry established between the two persons. The buttock-scratching, which occurred within the confines of the park, near a stout oak by the shore of the lake, came unexpectedly and was a shock to both parties.

"They were just ambling along, talking and laughing as young people these days are wont to do," relayed witness Myra Conneghal, a fisherman's wife who had been in the park picking herbs for a brew of personaca deum. "But, when I saw the man near them baring his arse, and wagging his forefinger over its left cheek, I knew it could be nothin' but trouble!"

City officials testified that romance was indeed "in the air" at the time the unexpected ass-scratching occurred. However, once the buttocks in question--which have been described by several sources as "pimply" and "malodorous"--were scratched, and the act was witnessed by both members of the couple, all chances for a pleasant outing were dashed.

Neither moonlight, nor the sound of crickets, nor the distant glow of Rucesion's spires or the shimmering waters of the gurgling lake could restore an atmosphere that had been hopelessly destroyed by the heinous act of ass-oriented scratching activity.

The owner of the disruptive buttocks, whose face was spotted only briefly as he intently picked at his discolored and fleshy buttcheeks, could not be reached for comment. However, it has been speculated that he is the same man responsible for disrupting several other romantic outings, in an assorted number of ways, including but not limited to belching, passing gas, taking off his shirt, and gargling with mouthwash.

"I'm really hoping this doesn't happen to me again," says the young man whose aspirations for wooing his female companion were dashed that night. "I mean, I remember my uncle's wedding from just a few years back. Right when he was kissing my aunt, he spotted someone in the crowd pulling a huge wad of wax out of his ear, and he gagged and accidentally bit off my aunt's tongue. Then the priest saw the blood and fainted, and the other priest we called to revive him had the most horrible B.O. ever. We just don't have the best luck, I guess."

The park is now being closely monitored for acts of bare-assed buttock-scratching.

--->Arne Gustaf Swanberg
The Swanbergian Gazette
Skalm av Suomi.